By R. Vecci
Media outlets are now reporting that the recession is over. But, don't take to the streets in celebration just yet. Even if we're finally climbing out of one of the greatest economic downturns in recent history, a lot of American families are still feeling the aftershock and unrelenting grip of financial woes brought on by misguided overspending and faulty investments. That doesn't mean there isn't still room for pizza night or a weekend trip to the movies. Here's ten helpful tips on how you can still get the most out of life while saving, or even gaining money, in spite of that mountain of credit card debt and those nagging loan payments:
10. Take out another loan.
Who cares, right? Sure, you're already buried underneath an insurmountable conglomeration of debt that, with interest, you'll likely never pay off in your lifetime, even if you live to be two hundred. Whether it's a mortgage, student loans, or credit cards, what's a little more shit thrown on top of the pile? Besides, loans are something you can enjoy now and worry about later, and you should start learning how to live in the moment. Seize the day. Life is short. Especially if you're stressed out all the time about debt.
9. Steal your neighbor's stuff.
This idea can not only be rewarding in a material sense, but also fun and exciting emotionally. Plus, it requires virtually no overhead and you won't have to travel and spend money on gas. All you'll really need is a hammer to smash out their window (which you probably already have in the garage or tool shed), a ski mask or a clown mask to conceal your identity (which you can get real cheap at a local retailer or party supply store), and a shit eating grin as you haul off with your neighbor's brand new LCD TV and his wife's jewelry knowing that it was his hard work and hard-earned money that got him these things while your money sits safely in your bank account, untouched. We'd also recommend a small handgun in case one of them happens to be awake and they need to be convinced not to call the cops. But, don't keep it loaded because we're pretty sure if you get caught by the police then that's a much more serious offense and bail will just wind up costing you even more money. Also, you don't want to hurt anyone physically, you just want to take some of their valuables from them and make them yours. This, instead, hurts them financially and puts you ahead of them in a competitive sense. And isn't that what America is all about? Competition breeds innovation. Don't forget to hide your new stuff or cover it with sheets if they come over for dinner or a birthday party, even though the urge to show it off will sometimes make this difficult.
8. Eat bugs.
They're not just for survivalists and third world inhabitants. "But bugs are creepy and disgusting!" You say. This is actually false. Insects are complex, intelligent, selfless, and majestic little beings that will gladly die for your consumption without putting up much of a fight, unlike moronic and jealous animals like deer or zebra. When compiled in large amounts, they are high in protein and carbohydrates and you can use them as a tasty little substitute for side dishes like macaroni salad and corn. Instead of spending more money at the grocery store, just turn over a rock in your backyard and you have an instant snack, especially if you enjoy the consistency and texture of expensive items like popcorn or Raisinettes. Bonus points if your New Age-y: Some Shamans and practitioners of Yoga believe that anything you eat or ingest becomes part of your essence and soul. So, naturally, if you eat ants, then you will not only gain wisdom and sex appeal, but superhuman strength.
7. Worship Satan.
Ever wonder why all the praying in the world doesn't seem to prevent the mini-van from overheating, or the furnace from suddenly breaking? You're likely praying to the wrong deity. This planet is clearly Satan's dominion. It even says so in the bible. When Jesus and his friends were out on the boat fishing and Judas kept whining about his toothache, Jesus turned to him and said, "This world is Satan's." Then, he winked at him. It didn't take long for Judas to put two and two together and look what happened when he submitted to the devil's dark and unholy desires. He was given a huge bag of gold, for Christ's sake. Sure, there's that part about his intestines subsequently spilling out into a field, but who knows if that was really an angry God or just clumsiness on his part. Besides, look at how wealthy and prosperous today's Satanists are. If you think Keith Richards, Ozzy Osbourne, or Obama are going to be eviscerated any time soon, then think again. They're rich, happy, having tons of fun and they don't worry about "making ends meet." Plus, your neighbors will think you're really cool and mysterious.
6. Force your children to panhandle and do magic tricks on the streets.
Want to go shopping with your spouse and finally buy them that thirty dollar pair of shoes they've always wanted? Make that thirty bucks back, or more, right away by smearing your kids with dog feces and dropping them off on the street, on the way, wearing ratty clothes and brandishing a solo cup to collect change in. Tell them to beg for cash or they're not getting dessert. Want even more money? Son always wanted to be a magician? Tell him to do his lousy magic tricks in the street. His stench, overall appearance, and obviously pathetic showmanship will garner him so much sympathy and pity, that people will be putting whole one and five dollar bills in his cup. Meanwhile, you and your loved one can take a romantic stroll through the mall without him asking you to buy him toys. It'll teach him discipline, build character, and make him learn the value of a dollar, something so many kids lack these days.
5. Get rid of your pets.
Remember when pets were loving, loyal, and irreplaceable members of the family? Times have changed. Nowadays, they just seem ungrateful; always lying on the floor whimpering about a bellyache or an ear infection. Kill two birds with one stone by telling that mutt to hit the road. You'll save tons of money you'd otherwise spend on pet food or kitty litter, and you'll increase your quality of life by freeing yourself of that animal's incessant nagging and whining. Want a thrifty substitute? Borrow from tip #8 and fill an empty fish tank with maggots and worms. You'll find them to be quite loyal and they'll never complain or need much food. Just toss your leftovers in there from time to time and when you need a snack, your tiny new pets will gladly melt right in your mouth. We'd recommend eating the maggots before they transform into flies, though, because that could get messy.
4. Grow a beard.
An often overlooked, yet obvious money-saver. This one's pretty simple. Razors cost money. The running water required to shave costs money. Combine this with tip #7 listed above and things will really start to get fun and weird and interesting all the while remaining cost-effective. If you're a female, and can't grow one, you could substitute facial hair with armpit or leg hair. This may, however, hinder any plans you might have to try and get someone to impregnate you.
3. Get some lawn gnomes and some statues.
Every square inch of grass you need to cut with a lawn-mower is more gasoline and oil required to keep that mower running properly. By lessening the amount of grass you need to cut, you save money and also energy. By placing lawn gnomes and other statues across your lawn, you'll have less grass to cut and maintain. Spice things up by dressing the statues and gnomes in your childrens' clothing for a fun and funky look that won't cost you a dime.
2. Go f*ck yourself.
By having sex with yourself, as opposed to your spouse, you will save more money than you can imagine. Sex with persons besides yourself can often create children. Children are incredibly expensive. Especially in modern times. They'll want cell phones, cars, an allowance, a college education and a plethora of other things that are expensive. It can, however, turn out to be the opposite, if you find ways for your child to bring money to the table (See tip #6). More often than not, though, your child will be a lazy, spoiled brat. For this reason, it's recommended that you avoid the situation altogether. If you already have kids, then look into adoption agencies. You'd be surprised at the number of agencies willing to take these money-pits off of your hands, even if they're as old as thirteen or fourteen.
1. Porcupines
This one is pretty self-explanatory.
Ryan Vecci is an associate sub-professor of transnational economics at the University of Southwestern United States. His latest book, Sphincter Economics, disseminates common myths about buying and investing in today's tumultuous and unpredictable marketplace, while demonstrating subtle parallels between the ferocity of today's workplace and velociraptors.
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